Papa & Granny Fox: July 2008

This is one of those stories where you begin
to chuckle..then find yourself laughing
out loud. (Not to mention the tears that
come with the laughter)

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the
wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a
pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted
this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's
Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I
was looking for a little something extra for
my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
effects of the taser were supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse af
fect on your assailant, allowing her
adequate time to retreat to safety....

'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought
the device and brought it home.

I loaded 2 AAA batteries in the darn thing
and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button AND pressed it against a
metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
blue arc of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to
Julie what that burn spot is on the face of
her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all
that bad with only 2 AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
(for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
if I was going to give this thing to my wife
to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a
tank top with my reading glasses perched
delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, and taser in
another.

The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a
two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting
the batteries. All the while I'm looking at
this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty
cute really and (loaded with 2 itsy, bitsy
AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no
possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond
description, but I'll do my best... I'm
sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with
her head cocked to one side as to say,
"don't do it Master," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny little ole
thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
to give myself a one-second burst just for
heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
thigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in
through the side door, picked me up in the
recliner, then body slammed us both on the
carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body
soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked
under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, licking my
face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do
it again, Stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug"
yourself with a taser, one note of caution:
when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it
is dislodged from your hand by a violent
thrashing about on the floor.

A three-second burst would be considered
conservative.

SON-OF-A-...That hurt like **%!!! A minute
or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point), I collected
my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they get up there??? My triceps,
right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been
shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my
testicles! I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!!
Still in shock!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now
regularly threatens me with it!